I knew I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t think about it much in my 20’s and early 30’s but being a mother wasn’t something I was going to miss out on. I thought like most women I guess, I would meet a great man, fall in love, get married, buy a house and start a family. It didn’t quite work out that way for me. I found myself divorced at 39 in great despair as I knew I didn’t have much time to have a baby.
Friends and family urged me to freeze my eggs or go right to a sperm donor and have a baby on my own but I wasn’t ready to give up on the fairy-tale of meeting someone and starting a family with him. But I had given up the idea of being married to that person. Living together and raising a child would be just fine. But as a year or two passed, I began scaling down that fantasy to I’ll just meet someone, hope to get knocked up and if he wants to stick around great and if not, I’m on my own.
At 42 I decided to give up finding a boyfriend and looked into sperm banks. The universe has a funny way of working, you need to really let go before it gives you what you want. It was during this time I met John and he became a great guy and intimate friend who was willing to help me have a baby. Our agreement was that he would help me but I would have sole custody and all financial responsibility. I thought well this is better than an anonymous sperm bank and at least the baby will know who the father is.
We worked up our agreement where John would have visitation rights but no decision making or responsibility. And for the next four years, we tried having a baby. We had our differences, we had our fun trying, we had our disappointment and arguments, but through thick and thin and many trials and tribulations, John stuck by me and four years later later, my son Luke Virgil was born.
Today Luke is 7 years old and being a single mom is of course not easy as I never thought it would be. I feel like I live and breathe being a mom, and there are times I want to pull my hair out of my head. There’s no relief and if I want to get anything done, I have to take time off work when school is out. I’m tired, I don’t have any time to myself and I haven’t bought myself anything for a long time. While I have a steady job, I worry about money on a completely different level now. But I don’t regret the decision to do this on my own, not one bit. The joy my son brings me is immeasurable and indescribable. And I found out, I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. There is of course wonderful support, my sisters, my mom, my amazing friends so I know I’m not alone.
If there is any woman out there reading this and deciding on if they could do this or not, the only answer I can say is if you really want it, you will find a way, you will find the time, you will find the money, you will find the strength. You are stronger than you think and you will be surprised at all the resources, love and support you will get. Go for it, and embrace motherhood as it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.
Being a single mom in NYC 