(See Q&A below with Sex Therapist Pamela Kohll)
I haven’t had sex in well over a year. But that’s not the scary part. The scary part is I don’t really care. This can’t be good.
Don’t get me wrong, I like sex a lot but I feel so fulfilled from being a mom that I don’t have the strong desire to get out in the dating world, meet someone who I can maybe date and yes ultimately have sex with. And I know this isn’t healthy. Having an active sex life is important, I believe it’s a basic human right, damn it!
Now I could get on one of those promiscuous dating sites where people just hook up no strings attached, but that’s never been my thing, not that I have to be in love with every guy I have sex with but at least a casual dating situation would be nice. Although if I hit the 2 year mark, I may just succumb.
The really interesting part is since I’ve become a mom, I’ve been asked out by a few different men – HELLO – where were you guys when I was single without a baby!! But I seem to have made one excuse or another of not pursuing it. And if I’m going to be really honest here, I’m sure there’s a lot of unconscious resentment to it not happening back in my single woman days.
Physically, I haven’t had the desire until maybe about a month or so ago, been feeling those little twangs coming from my sweet spot down there probably saying “hello I’m still here, don’t forget about me”. But even so, they haven’t been strong. A new study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine states that the biggest driver of women with partners having sex after a baby was concern for their partner, not themselves. The top sex-drive killers were fatigue, the attention the baby needs and lack of time.
Even if I did have a strong physical desire, I’m not a divorced mom that has every other weekend free to explore the possibility of dating. So . . .
Here I am, happy, fulfilled, in a thriving exciting city with 1.8 million single men, what’s a single mom to do? I asked Sex Therapist Pamela Kohll for some advice.
Q: How long should anyone go without having sex?
A: As long as anyone wants to go.
Q: So there are no repercussions for someone not having sex for a while?
A: No, there are people who function just fine if they never have sex, there is a whole world of asexual people. However, the more sex you have, the more you want it.
Q: Well that’s good news for me. Is it normal for a new mom to not have any desire to have sex?
A: Yes it is normal not to want to have sex after birthing a child. Birth is a stressor on the body, especially the sex organs. It takes a while to heal, at least 3 months. Also, define what sex is . . . intercourse, oral sex, manual stimulation, etc
Q: I was reading studies that stated not wanting to have sex as a new mom is more emotional than physical? Do you find that to be true?
A: I think it can be both physical and emotional. Again give the body a rest.
Q: I also read that new moms have sex after a baby more for their partners than themselves, would you advise a new mom to have sex for their partner even if they didn’t want to?
A: Do not have sex unless you want to have sex. Having sex for your partner if you aren’t into it is not healthy. Also depends on what “sex” is. Maybe you don’t want intercourse but oral sex is okay, maybe manual stimulation. Discuss with your partner openly and honestly and with a sense of humor.
Q: How long should a new mom wait to have sex?
A: Listen to your body. If you can imagine it, you are probably ready. If not, then you are in the no fly zone time period. But most importantly, check in with your body. If this goes too long, talk to a professional, maybe something happened during childbirth that was traumatic and needs some professional attention.
Q: So if you are a single mom with no prospects of a person to have sex with, what can you do to stimulate your sex life?
A: There are always vibrators, get sensual with yourself, for instance, wear lovely sensual clothing that feels nice to your skin, do activities that embody your body like yoga, meditation, biking, etc. Get a massage, dance, express yourself, listen to sexy music, sing. When you are ready to date, make sure your profile and photo is great, smile, enjoy your baby, your life and your next encounter.
Thank you Pamela.
Pamela Kohl- MS, LMHC, CSAT-S, CCPs, CHFP, New York Intensives Mental Health Counseling. 16 East 41st street Suite 3B, NY, NY 10017. Newyorkintensives.com